Broken Trust

Dear Johnny

A wife struggles with trust after discovering her husband lied for years about innocent friendships with women at work, reopening wounds from an affair decades ago.
“Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.”

Dear Johnny,
I recently found out my husband had been hiding a few friendships with women from work. He insists nothing inappropriate ever happened, and from what I can tell, that’s true. But years ago, early in our marriage, there was infidelity, and ever since then we agreed to certain boundaries to help me feel safe.

When I discovered he’d broken that agreement, even just by lying about harmless friendships, it brought all the old pain back. Now, I find myself second-guessing everything. I check his phone, question his words, and feel my guard constantly up. He’s been remorseful and is trying to rebuild trust, and I’m even in counseling. But despite that, I feel stuck in suspicion and distance.

How do you start believing again when your heart still remembers the pain of the past?

Dear Anonymous,
You’ve been carrying an enormous emotional load, and it makes perfect sense that you feel torn between love and mistrust. When a partner lies, especially after past betrayal, the nervous system registers danger, not safety. Even if the deception isn’t sexual, it still fractures the foundation of trust, which Gottman’s research calls the “core currency” of every relationship.

1. What’s really happening

1. Gottman’s lens – Trust is built or broken in small moments.
   Every hidden text, every minimized truth, teaches your body, “I can’t relax.” It’s not just what he did but the pattern of concealment that keeps your alarm system switched on.

2. Perel’s insight – Secrets, not sex, destroy relationships.
   Esther Perel reminds us that “the enemy of love is not conflict, it’s neglect and indifference.” His secrecy signaled disconnection, which is why your mind keeps scanning for danger.

3. Brown’s work – Shame fuels disconnection.
   Brené Brown’s research shows that when trust is broken, both partners tend to armor up, he hides in shame, you brace in self-protection, and intimacy can’t breathe in that environment.

4. Your nervous system is doing its job.
   Hyper-vigilance, detective-mode, the exhaustion, those aren’t character flaws; they’re trauma responses trying to keep you safe after uncertainty and fear.

2. What you can do

1. Name the injury before you fix it.
   When you talk, begin with: “It wasn’t your friendship with women that broke me, it was the lying. I can’t heal what you still minimize.” This anchors the conversation in truth rather than accusation.

2. Ask for transparency, not policing.
   Create shared agreements like open calendars, visible phones, or quick check-ins. The goal isn’t control, it’s co-regulation of safety until trust can regrow.

3. Shift from detective to observer.
   Each time you catch yourself checking or questioning, pause and name the feeling (“I feel fear, not facts”). Then decide: Is this a trigger or a signal? Triggers need self-soothing; signals may need a boundary conversation.

4. Rebuild micro-moments of connection.
   According to Gottman, trust repairs start in 20-second windows, shared humor, empathy, or gratitude. Small, consistent bids of warmth rebuild what grand gestures can’t.

You’re already doing one of the hardest things, staying in counseling and being honest about your pain. Healing from relational betrayal isn’t about blind trust; it’s about earned trust built one honest moment at a time.

If it helps, what do you feel would make you feel just 5 percent safer with him this week, transparency, empathy, or time?