Doing Marriage Solo

Dear Johnny

A woman feels like a “single wife” in her own marriage. Her husband refuses social events, avoids time together, rarely attends church, barely engages emotionally or physically, and depends heavily on her to support his children — yet dismisses her needs and minimizes her loneliness. She feels embarrassed, used, and unseen, and asks: Is this normal? Am I selfish? What should I do?

Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.

Dear Lonely-but-Showing-Up,

First, let me say this clearly: You’re not selfish. You’re human. And deeply lonely. I believe anyone in your shoes would feel exactly like you do.

You didn’t sign up to be a roommate, a nanny, or the administrative backbone of the family. You signed up to be a partner, emotionally, spiritually, socially, intimately.

And right now, it sounds like you’re carrying far more than your share while receiving very little in return.

Let’s ground your experience in truth. Here are three insights from three different experts.

1. Dr. Gabor Maté: “Where there is chronic loneliness, there is unmet emotional need.”

He teaches that when one partner consistently withdraws, the other internalizes the neglect as self-doubt or inadequacy.
It’s not you. It’s the lack of emotional reciprocity. Your longing for companionship is a sign of health, not weakness.

2. Dr. Harriet Lerner (The Dance of Connection):

Lerner would say your husband is stuck in a pattern of avoidance, and you are stuck in a pattern of pursuing connection he isn’t offering. This doesn’t mean you’re wrong for wanting more. It means the dance is unbalanced, and the relationship feels lopsided.

3. Pia Mellody (Love Addiction & Love Avoidance):

Pia would gently point out that you’re living the classic dynamic where one partner over-functions and the other under-functions.
You do the emotional labor, the parenting, the logistical work, and he stays in the comfort of avoidance, while still relying on your support. Over time, this erodes intimacy to exactly what you described: two people sharing a house, not a marriage.

So, what can you do? Here are 3 different paths forward.

1. Name the pattern, not the problem. Instead of “You never want to go anywhere,” try: “I’m noticing we spend most of our lives parallel, not together. I miss us.” Avoid blame. Speak to the pattern.

2. Invite tiny, non-threatening connection. Not a big talk. Not counseling yet. Just five minutes a day using something like Voice Maps:
one question each about your day, no fixing, no pressuring. It creates micro-connection without triggering his anxiety. If you want the Voice Maps prompts, just tell me and I’ll send them.

3. When the moment is right, use the Feedback Wheel. It’s the safest and most effective way that I know to express a hard truth to an avoidant partner. It helps you speak without triggering withdrawal, defensiveness, or shutdown. I would be happy to send that too if you need a communication tool to prompt discussion.

Here are a few questions to ponder to help you find some clarity.

1. If nothing changed for the next two years, what part of you would slowly fade; your joy, your energy, your voice, your confidence?

2. If something could change, what change would matter most? Time together? Shared responsibility? Feeling chosen? Being pursued? Simply not being alone 5 nights a week? Naming it gives you direction.

3. What is one small pattern you’d want to create this week? A shared TV show? Evening tea? One short conversation? Five minutes of presence? Small shifts create safer ground for bigger conversations later.

And one last question, for your heart: What do you need, not from him, but for yourself, to feel a little less alone tomorrow?

Connection? Reassurance? A boundary? A moment of self-kindness? You matter too.

Which advice above feels like it fits your needs the most? And if you’d like those Voice Maps prompts or the Feedback Wheel, just say the word and I will send you a video to explain each and also a workbook.

Warmly,
Johnny Lascha - Relationship Coach