Fantasy Triggers Partner

Dear Johnny
A casual night out turns confusing when her partner reveals a fantasy that shakes her comfort.
“Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.”

Dear Johnny,

My partner and I went out for a night on the town recently. While we were having a drink, we noticed another couple nearby being unusually affectionate in public. Later that night, during an intimate moment, he mentioned that watching them had turned him on and that he’d always been curious about seeing me with someone else.

I was completely caught off guard. We’ve been together for two decades, and while our relationship is generally good, that comment unsettled me. It’s been looping in my mind ever since. I’m not angry, just uneasy, and I don’t know how to ask about it without making him feel judged or embarrassed. Is this just a fantasy, or is there more to it?

Dear Unsure and Unsettled,

First, I want to acknowledge your courage in writing about this. You’re not alone in feeling confused or uneasy when a partner shares a fantasy that seems to come out of nowhere. What you’re feeling is completely valid.

As relationship therapist Esther Perel often says, fantasy is not a sign that something is missing, it’s often a reflection of curiosity, novelty, or imagination. Long-term relationships live in the tension between comfort and excitement, predictability and surprise. So, when your husband shared that thought, it might not have been about dissatisfaction, but about a fleeting spark of curiosity that surfaced in the moment.

At the same time, as Dr. David Schnarch reminds us, true intimacy requires differentiation, the ability to stay connected to your partner without abandoning your own emotional truth. That means you can honor his openness while still being honest about how it made you feel.

Here’s one way to begin that conversation:

“I’ve been thinking about what you said the other night. It surprised me, and I want to understand what it meant for you, but I also want to share how it landed for me.”

This approach invites openness without shame or defensiveness. It allows you to explore meaning rather than react from fear.

If it was simply a fantasy, you’ll learn that. If it reflects a deeper desire to bring novelty into your connection, that can be discussed slowly and respectfully. Either way, your goal isn’t to suppress the topic, but to anchor it in mutual respect and understanding.

Finally, take a moment to check in with yourself. What was most unsettling, the surprise, the imagery, or the question of whether you’re being compared? Naming what you feel helps you express it clearly and calmly.

You’re not overreacting. You’re simply protecting the emotional safety that keeps a relationship grounded while leaving room for honest exploration.