How Do I Break the Routine
Dear Johnny
This week’s letter comes from a woman who loves her husband, is expecting their second child, and feels stuck in the rut of routine and obligation. Her husband equates providing financially with emotional connection, but she’s longing for something deeper.
“Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.”
Dear Expecting but Disconnected,
First, congratulations on your second baby! That’s a huge milestone, full of joy, change, and exhaustion. It’s completely natural for connection to ebb and flow during this season. You’re not broken. You’re simply being stretched into new identities: mother, partner, and still, a woman who longs to feel desired, seen, and emotionally connected.
I can relate to your husband’s perspective because I used to think like him. I believed that “providing” meant paying the bills, keeping the lights on, and making sure everything ran smoothly. That’s how society taught me to love as a man. What I didn’t understand was that my wife didn’t just need a financial provider, she needed an equal partner.
It took years for me to realize that emotional support is as essential as financial support. Without it, a relationship can feel safe but not alive.
Dr. Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy, teaches that love thrives when we feel securely attached, when we know our partner is emotionally present and attuned. Your husband may truly believe that his financial provision equals love because it’s what he’s been conditioned to value. He’s not wrong for that, he’s just missing a piece of the puzzle.
You, on the other hand, are craving what every human being needs: emotional safety, attunement, and connection. That’s the foundation of both desire and trust.
The good news is that you can start gently helping him understand this. One of my favorite tools for these conversations is the Feedback Wheel, developed by Terry Real. It’s a four-part framework that helps you share your truth clearly, without blame, and ends with an ask that turns awareness into action.
Here’s an example of what that might sound like for you:
The Feedback Wheel + Bridge Phrase + The Ask
Step 1 – What I Saw or Heard
“Honey, the other day you said that because you work hard and provide for our family, that should make me feel loved and connected.”
Step 2 – What I Made Up About It
“When I heard that, I started telling myself that maybe you don’t really understand what I need to feel close and desired. That maybe you think emotional connection isn’t as important to me as feeling provided for, or that I’m being ungrateful for all that you do.”
Step 3 – How I Feel About That
“When I think that, I feel sad and a little lonely. I also fear that if we keep on this track, frustration will turn into resentment, or worse, apathy. I miss the feeling that we’re not just running life side by side, but actually seeing and knowing each other like we used to.”
Step 4 – The Bridge Phrase + The Ask
“What helps me feel most connected is when we slow down enough to talk about how we’re really doing, not just what got done or what needs fixing, but what made us laugh or what felt hard that day.
Moving forward, could we try setting aside 20 minutes after work each day. No phones, no problem-solving, just to listen and share the highs, lows, and small wins from our day? I think it would help both of us feel more seen and supported. And if we can bring back small intimate emotional moments while sharing our day, that might spark more desire and intimacy in other areas.”
That small “ask” creates what Dr. John Gottman calls a Love Map ritual, a daily time to update your understanding of each other’s inner worlds. In attachment science, this is the difference between “managing life together” and living emotionally connected.
This 20-minute ritual also balances the Magic Ratio Gottman found in thriving couples, at least five positive interactions for every one negative one. Those moments of listening, laughing, and small appreciation are the fertilizer that keeps your emotional garden growing.
The truth is, we all need both: security and aliveness, structure and spontaneity. Financial support helps us survive. Emotional support helps us thrive.
So instead of thinking of yourselves as taking on new roles, think of it as adding new identities, you’re not just parents or providers, you’re partners learning to attune to each other again.
You’re already showing courage and wisdom by asking for more connection instead of settling for routine. That tells me you’re ready to lead the way toward a relationship that feels not only stable but alive.
I have two different resources, one on building what I call voice maps, similar to love maps, and also a video on the Feedback Wheel. Both help understand the Why and How to these work. Both come with a workbook to help put either into action.
Do you think one, or both of those would be helpful to watch or share and watch with your husband? If so, just LMK and I will gift them to you tonight.
But I am curious, what would emotional connection look like for you right now, something small that would make you feel seen and special again, even in this busy season?
