“I Love Him, But I Feel Like I’m Losing Myself”

Dear Johnny

I love my partner, but I feel like I’ve slowly disappeared. I don’t want to make Valentine’s week heavier than it needs to be, but I’m tired of pretending I’m fine. I want closeness, and I also want to feel like me again. How do I love without losing myself?

Dear Reader,

Feeling like you’re fading inside a relationship is a specific kind of loneliness, even when you still love the person. And the fact that you can name it tells me something important, a steadier part of you is waking up.

What you’re describing happens to many deeply caring women. Over time, love can turn into constant adjusting, explaining, softening, swallowing words, and calling it “keeping the peace.” That doesn’t mean your partner is a villain, but it does mean the pattern is costing you something real.

Here are two anchors to hold gently this week. First, love is not proven by self-erasure. Second, clarity comes before conversation. You don’t have to make big moves or have a heavy talk right now. You can start privately, by naming what you truly want to feel more of, and what you’re no longer willing to carry.

If this sense of disappearing connects to past trauma, or if you feel emotionally unsafe, it can be very supportive to involve a licensed counselor or trusted professional care alongside your own reflection.

For now, let this be enough, you are allowed to belong to yourself inside love.
What is the first desire you’ve been talking yourself out of, and what is one thing you’re no longer willing to normalize?

With care,

Johnny Lascha

Dear Johnny is a weekly advice column for deeply caring women who feel emotionally exhausted, unheard, dismissed, or stuck in painful relationship patterns. Johnny Lascha is a certified relationship coach, trauma-informed mentor, and trained facilitator of The Gottman Institute’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. He moderates a 40,000-member Marriage Support Group and has privately helped hundreds of women reclaim their voice, regulate their nervous system, and build healthier relational boundaries, without losing their heart. Learn more at RelationshipVoice.com or subscribe to receive Dear Johnny directly in your inbox.