I Want My Husband Back
Dear Johnny
This week’s letter comes from a woman who has carried the family through illness, recovery, and financial hardship, and now feels like she’s losing her husband emotionally and financially.
Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.
Dear Johnny,
After more than twenty years of marriage, I feel like my husband and I have lost our way. We raised our kids, I was a SAHM and he worked outside the house, and had a good life for a long time. But over the past several years everything has changed.
I went through a serious health crisis that left me weaker and unable to work like I used to. During that time, my husband also stepped away from his career. We thought we’d start fresh and maybe build something new together, but it never really took off. Our savings dwindled, and now we’re both working part-time just to keep things afloat.
Most days, the house feels quiet and heavy. We don’t really talk anymore, and I miss the version of us that used to dream together and share the load. I’m starting to resent him for not stepping up, yet I also know we’ve both been through a lot.
Part of me wants to believe we can find our rhythm again, and part of me is just tired of hoping. How do I move forward when I’m unsure whether we can still be partners in the life we once built?
Dear Weary but Still Hoping,
First, I want to honor your strength. You’ve faced a life-threatening illness, fought your way back, and carried your family through an incredibly hard season. That takes grit and heart. It also makes complete sense that you feel drained, frustrated, and resentful. You’ve done everything in your power to survive and rebuild, but it feels like your partner has checked out emotionally and financially.
I can understand this on a personal level. As a two-time cancer survivor, I know how illness can shift the entire dynamic of a marriage. It doesn’t just change your body, it can change roles, communication, even identity. You went from being a homeschooling mom, managing a full household, to suddenly having your health taken from you. That’s not just a life change; it’s an emotional earthquake.
And your husband? He might be lost too. When a man’s sense of purpose or confidence as a provider is shaken, some freeze instead of fight. What looks like laziness is often avoidance born of shame or fear. That doesn’t excuse it, but it helps explain it.
Let’s bring in a few perspectives that might help you see this situation through new lenses:
Dr. Sue Johnson teaches that distance and silence in marriage are usually protests of disconnection. Beneath anger and resentment is often grief—the grief of not feeling emotionally held. You long for partnership again, not just paychecks.
Terry Real would say this: “Resentment is ungrieved hurt.” You’re carrying the weight of broken promises and unmet needs, and until those hurts are fully acknowledged, it’s hard to access compassion.
And Dr. John Gottman reminds us that even in long marriages, rebuilding starts with friendship first. Friendship is where affection, trust, and shared meaning live. Without that, even practical conversations about money turn into power struggles.
So here’s where we start, not with blame, but with curiosity:
When you think back to before the illness, what kind of friendship did you and your husband share?
When did you first notice him beginning to pull away? Was it when you got sick, when the savings ran out, or when you began working again?
What do you think quitting his job meant to him? Was it burnout, depression, fear, or an attempt to redefine himself?
How have you both been coping with grief and loss, his loss of purpose, your loss of health, and your shared loss of connection?
These aren’t easy questions, but they begin to shift your mind from Why won’t he change? to What is really happening underneath? That’s the doorway to healing.
Three Gentle Steps to Start Rebuilding
1. Step out of judgment, into curiosity.
Before approaching him, take a breath and remind yourself that curiosity calms the nervous system, while judgment activates defensiveness. Ask open questions like, “What’s been hardest for you lately?” or “When did you start feeling unsure about work?”
2. Rebuild micro-connections.
Start small. One shared meal without screens. A walk. Asking for his input on something that matters to you. These little acts of partnership are what Gottman calls bids for connection, the threads that slowly reweave emotional safety.
3. Get support before the resentment hardens.
You’ve been carrying this too long alone. Most coaches, like myself, offer one free session to see if 1:1 session on Zoom to help you find a few concrete steps to move forward. Sometimes just one guided conversation can open a path that’s been invisible because of exhaustion.
You’ve already shown incredible courage in surviving what you’ve survived. The next step isn’t about rescuing him, it’s about reclaiming your own peace and clarity, one day and one question at a time.
Warmly,
Johnny Lascha - Relationship Coach
