Tired of Carrying Everyone Else’s Expectations on Holidays

Dear Johnny

Every holiday season, I promise myself it will be different. Less stress, fewer expectations, more presence. And every year, I find myself right back in the same pattern.

Our families have strong opinions about where we should be, how long we should stay, what traditions matter most, and what “good” looks like. I feel pulled in every direction. If I say yes to one side, I feel guilty about the other. If I speak up about needing a quieter holiday or more time together as a couple, I worry I’m being selfish or difficult.

My partner and I end up tense before we even arrive anywhere. Small comments turn into arguments later. I don’t want conflict, but I also don’t want to keep disappearing inside myself just to keep everyone else comfortable.

How do we set healthy boundaries with family and with each other, without turning the holidays into a battleground?

Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.

Dear Tired of Carrying Everyone Else’s Expectations,

You’re not failing at the holidays. You’re waking up to what actually matters.

The tension you’re feeling isn’t because you’re doing something wrong. It’s because you’re standing at the edge of an old pattern, one where peace was measured by how little space you took up. Growth often feels uncomfortable right before it feels freeing.

From a relational perspective, boundaries are not walls. They’re agreements about how you want to show up with integrity. John Gottman reminds us that strong couples don’t avoid conflict, they learn how to turn toward each other and make decisions as a team. When you and your partner clarify what you need first, together, you reduce resentment before it ever has a chance to build.

Healthy boundaries don’t start with extended family. They start inside the relationship. They sound like, “What would help us feel connected this season?” and “What would make this feel sustainable for both of us?” Once those answers are clear, sharing them becomes less about defending and more about informing.

You are allowed to want rest. You are allowed to create new traditions. You are allowed to disappoint others without betraying yourself.

And here’s the uplifting truth many people miss, boundaries don’t create distance when they’re rooted in clarity. They create relief. Relief leads to presence. Presence is what people remember long after the holiday passes.

You don’t need to get it perfect. You just need to choose one small moment to honor what you and your partner need most.

If you trusted that protecting your relationship is an act of love, not selfishness, what boundary would feel most relieving to name this season?

Healthy boundaries don’t ruin holidays. They rescue them.

With care,

Johnny Lascha

🌿 Dear Johnny is a weekly column by Johnny Lascha, Relationship Coach at RelationshipVoice.com & Moderator of the online 39,000 member Marriage Support Group. He helps deeply caring women who’ve lost their voice in their relationships find the clarity, confidence, and communication tools to feel heard, valued, and emotionally safe again. Learn more or schedule a free communication breakthrough session at RelationshipVoice.com.