Tired of Performing
Dear Johnny
I feel like I’ve spent most of my life trying to be easy to love.
Not too emotional.
Not too needy.
Not too honest.
I’m tired.
But I’m also scared that if I stop trying so hard, I’ll lose the relationship completely.
How do I know when it’s safe to just be myself?
— Tired of Performing
Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.
Dear Tired,
I’m really glad you wrote this.
Because the exhaustion you’re describing is something many deeply caring women carry quietly.
Trying to be easy to love often begins as wisdom.
At some point in life, it probably protected connection that felt fragile.
So first, nothing about this makes you weak.
It makes you human.
But here is the gentle truth that healing eventually brings:
Real love doesn’t grow stronger because you disappear inside it.
It grows stronger when you are finally allowed to exist there too.
And I want to move slowly here, because this part matters.
Being yourself does not mean becoming harsh.
It does not mean forcing truth.
It does not mean risking everything overnight.
Often it begins much smaller.
Telling the truth in your own journal.
Letting one honest sentence exist in a calm moment.
Noticing where your body relaxes when you stop performing.
Safety usually grows in inches, not leaps.
So instead of asking,
“Is it safe to be fully myself?”
A gentler question might be:
“Where is it already a little safe… and can I begin there?”
You don’t have to rush this.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
I’m really grateful you shared your heart.
With care,
Johnny Lascha
About Dear Johnny
Dear Johnny is a weekly advice column for deeply caring women who feel emotionally exhausted, unheard, dismissed, or stuck in painful relationship patterns. Johnny Lascha is a certified relationship coach, trauma-informed mentor, and trained facilitator of The Gottman Institute’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. He moderates a 40,000-member Marriage Support Group and has privately helped hundreds of women reclaim their voice, regulate their nervous system, and build healthier relational boundaries, without losing their heart. Learn more at RelationshipVoice.com or subscribe to receive Dear Johnny directly in your inbox.
