When Being Tired Starts to Feel Like Something Is Wrong With You

Dear Johnny

This time of year feels heavy.

I’m writing because I’m exhausted in a way that’s hard to explain. It’s not just physical tiredness. It feels like everything takes more effort than it should, even things that used to feel easy. I catch myself snapping, shutting down, or feeling numb, and then I judge myself for it.

Part of me wonders if I’m just not trying hard enough anymore. Another part worries that this is just who I’m becoming. I don’t know how to tell the difference between being tired and being broken, and that scares me.

— Worn Down and Wondering

Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.

Dear Worn Down and Wondering,

What you’re describing is a very specific kind of fatigue, and it deserves to be taken seriously.

This isn’t the tired that comes from doing too much in one day. It’s the tired that builds when your system has been on alert for a long time, managing, anticipating, holding things together, and rarely getting to stand down. When that happens, irritability, fog, and withdrawal aren’t character flaws, they’re signals.

One of the hardest parts of this kind of exhaustion is how personal it feels. It’s easy to turn it inward and decide you’re failing, losing motivation, or becoming someone you don’t recognize. But more often than not, what’s actually happening is that your energy has been leaking out in quiet, steady ways for longer than you realized.

Energy leaks don’t always come from big crises. They come from constant vigilance, emotional caretaking, unresolved tension, and the pressure to keep functioning even when something inside you is asking for relief. Over time, the body compensates by conserving, pulling back, or numbing out. That’s not giving up. That’s protection.

The work right now isn’t to fix yourself or push harder. It’s to slow down enough to notice what has been costing you energy and to take that information seriously. That kind of attention is not indulgent. It’s stabilizing.

You don’t need to figure out the future from this place. You only need to stop turning your exhaustion into evidence against yourself.

A gentle question to sit with:
If your tiredness could speak without being judged, what might it be asking you to protect?

With care,

Johnny Lascha

About Dear Johnny

Dear Johnny is a weekly advice column for deeply caring women who feel emotionally exhausted, unheard, dismissed, or stuck in painful relationship patterns. Johnny Lascha is a certified relationship coach, trauma-informed mentor, and trained facilitator of The Gottman Institute’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. He moderates a 40,000-member Marriage Support Group and has privately helped hundreds of women reclaim their voice, regulate their nervous system, and build healthier relational boundaries, without losing their heart. Learn more at RelationshipVoice.com or subscribe to receive Dear Johnny directly in your inbox.