“Why Do I Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries?”

Dear Johnny

Every time I try to set a boundary, I feel selfish and guilty.
Even when I know something is hurting me, I still feel like I’m the one doing something wrong.

Why is this so hard?

— Tired of Carrying Everything

Letters in this column are composites inspired by real messages shared in relationship forums. Details are changed to protect privacy.

Dear Tired of Carrying Everything,

I’m really grateful you asked this.
Because what you’re describing is incredibly common among deeply caring people, and it’s also incredibly painful to live with.

Many of us learned very early that love meant being easy, agreeable, and willing to sacrifice ourselves to keep connection.
So when we finally try to protect our time, our energy, or our emotions, it doesn’t feel strong.

It feels wrong.

But the guilt you feel is not proof that the boundary is wrong.
Very often, it is proof that you are doing something new.
Something healthier.
Something more honest.
Something that begins protecting the parts of you that have been carrying too much for far too long.

Real boundaries are not acts of rejection.
They are quiet acts of care.

They protect your energy so love can stay generous instead of turning resentful.
They protect your heart so kindness can remain sincere instead of exhausted.

And needing care too does not make you selfish.
It makes you human.

Learning to honor that humanity is not the end of love.
Very often, it is the beginning of a more truthful kind of love, the kind where you are allowed to exist inside the relationship, not just serve it.

I’m really grateful you trusted me with something this tender.
And I want you to know, gently and clearly, you are not alone while you learn to protect what matters most inside you.

So let me leave you with a quiet question to hold, not to answer quickly, just to notice honestly:

What might change in your life if caring for yourself was no longer something you felt guilty for, but something you believed love was meant to include?

With care,

Johnny Lascha

About Dear Johnny

Dear Johnny is a weekly advice column for deeply caring women who feel emotionally exhausted, unheard, dismissed, or stuck in painful relationship patterns. Johnny Lascha is a certified relationship coach, trauma-informed mentor, and trained facilitator of The Gottman Institute’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. He moderates a 40,000-member Marriage Support Group and has privately helped hundreds of women reclaim their voice, regulate their nervous system, and build healthier relational boundaries, without losing their heart. Learn more at RelationshipVoice.com or subscribe to receive Dear Johnny directly in your inbox.