When Silence Becomes Too Loud

Julie sat at the edge of her bed, tears spilling as her husband turned away again. Each time she reached for him, he went silent, stonewalling her with a wall she could not climb. It was like the air was sucked from her lungs. The harder she tried to explain her hurt, the more he retreated.

Friends told her to leave. Her dad even offered to “have words” with him. But their advice only made her feel smaller. She was trying to lift a 200-pound problem with the strength of someone trained only for 25. It wasn’t that she was weak, she simply hadn’t yet built the tools she needed.

The Gottman Institute has shown that stonewalling is one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationships, a deadly predictor of disconnection if left unchecked. But they also discovered its antidote: repair attempts. Small, intentional bids to re-engage are the single greatest factor in predicting relationship success.

Julie realized she couldn’t force her husband to change, but she could change her approach. She learned to pause, breathe, and ask herself, “What do I really want from this conversation?” That small reset reminded her it wasn’t only about expressing her pain, but about choosing words that gave her husband the best chance to hear her. She began to recognize her own old survival patterns, the panic of needing reassurance, the fear of losing belonging, and practiced calming them before knocking on the door of his heart again.

Instead of pushing with accusation, she’d say gently, “I know this got tense. Can we start over?” or, “I don’t need a solution. I just need to feel close to you.” These repair attempts didn’t erase his old patterns overnight, but they opened a small window for connection.

As Terry Real teaches, relationships are biospheres. Each partner brings pollution or nourishment into the air they share. By shifting her own patterns, Julie stopped contributing to the smog of reactivity and created space for her husband to breathe, too. His silence was not meant to punish her. It was his own survival response, a shutting down that once kept him safe.

Over time, her steadiness became contagious. Slowly, his wall softened. He began to stay in the room longer, to offer a word, a glance, a touch. The relationship began to win, not just one partner.

The truth is, it might feel unfair to be the one to go first. But someone has to take the wheel. And if your vision of love is worth protecting, as Julie discovered, your growth can create the space where your partner, and your relationship can grow too.

🌿 About the Author

Johnny Lascha, Relationship Coach at RelationshipVoice.com & Moderator of the 39,000 member Marriage Support Group writes for several magazines and blogs and create the RISE Framework for Relational Living. He also has a private practice, coaching deeply caring women who’ve lost their voice in their relationships find the clarity, confidence, and communication tools to feel heard, valued, and emotionally safe again. Learn more or schedule a free communication breakthrough session at RelationshipVoice.com.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.

Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Rodale Books.